~san ren xing de ji mo~

hmm... had some three-man outings these few days... somehow feel that this is a very lonely combination... conversations usually involve two-people... so the last person is mostly listening... or maybe it's just because that two people share many common memories... hmm... i'm usually fine with the role of a listener... but sometimes as i listen on... it makes me a bit depressed that i was so not involved in the world, even in their lives... twenty years have passed... but it suddenly feels as if nothing has happened... nothing ever was... the role of a listener suddenly becomes invisible... like i was hidden behind a wall and i didn't belong... hmm... trying to fight for my existence... but it seems futile... some things once missed will always be missed... irreplaceable... and this brings some regrets on why i didn't do certain things in the past to cause such a situation now...

a close friend sent me a sms saying we should get together sometime... she said she felt that we had been drifting apart... i guess we did... somehow that could have been intentional on my part... as soon as i heard she had gotten attached, i knew things would never be the same... i was already prepared for the imminent lack of interaction... i figured she would be more busy... but another reason was i wanted to minimise chances of her sharing her love stories with me... jealousy? maybe... whether it's more from she having a boyfriend when i dont or whether it's from my position as a close friend being over-ridden by another's existence... i'm not sure... guess i'm more human this way.. instead of the miss goodie image in others' minds... (whoever still read this, do not be shocked... or maybe i'm thinking too much)... the truth is.. i'm not that kind... when you ask me for a favour or wait for you when you are late.. i may comply but i do complain as well... it's just that i curse and swear to myself, not to you... i do envy your good life too, the money, the car, the parents, the freedom... yes.. i'm a human... not a saint or angel... does it shock you? i'm finally admitting who i am... sense of relief...

another case of san ren xing?! it's really painful at times... cos you may end up having to entertain both of them at the same time... other disadvantages... it's harder to find seats when there are three people? the world has an "even inclination"... why must good things always come in pairs? it's so hard to accept.. yet it's constantly an ambition...

~san ren xing shi ji mo de...